Tomorrow Will Be Brighter
by preston-gal
Summary: A birth is sometimes not always joyous for those involved and is often a very diffcult time. Fiesta. Stella/Mac friendship


Hi, this is my first csi:new york fic and my first atempt at what at this point is a one shot but depending on your opinions that status could change so your reviews are greatly appreciated. Post natal depression is a very serious condition and I have tried to be as true to the symtoms and moods as possible and as I personally have never had children or suffered PND so please bare that in mind if you want to criticise.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the original CSI: New York characters...although I would like to. Anastasia, however is a product of my own imagination.

* * *

'The crying. Please make the crying stop!' Stella thought pleading with God as she rolled over in her bed trying to ignore the painful noises coming from the nursery across the hall. It wasn't that she was a bad mother, she just couldn't deal with the newborn...not on her own anyway. But Stella was just too proud to ask her help and she didn't want people to take Anastasia away from her. She didn't carry the baby around for nine months so that she could be whisked away and placed in a foster home, Stella would not let her daughter go through the same things she did.

It wasn't long before she heard the apartment door open, Don was home. Her daughter's cries had turned into whimpers once she heard the apartment door shut and the lights switched on. Stella heard Don's voice soothing Ana but then the bedroom door opened.

"Stella? What's going on?" He asked Ana comfortable nestled in his arms

"Nothings going on, I just didn't hear her that's all," Stella replied quietly, rolling over to face her fiancé and baby girl.

"Hold her Stella," Don said as an impulse,

"Pardon?"

"You heard me. Hold her," He replied with a little more force, holding Ana out to her mother. But when Stella didn't reach out Don moved closer and closer. Stella felt her heart beat faster and her breathing increased until she had to jump out of the bed and back away from her family.

"Don please! I can't...I can't do this," she begged, her voice quivering, "Please. Please don't make me do this,"

Don had no idea the situation was this bad, as he watched Stella slid down the far wall and brought her knees up to her chest, her tears carving a path down her cheeks. Then he realised she hadn't yet held her daughter since the day she was born three weeks ago. That every time she cried or needed feeding or needed changing Stella couldn't bring herself to do it and what Don didn't know that she cried all the time; when he left the house, during the middle of the day sometimes even over breakfast but every time she made sure Don wasn't around to see her moments of weakness.

"Stella what's going on?" Don whispered cradling a now crying Ana to his chest.

Stella looked up, "I don't know Don. I love her I really do! I...I...can't explain it,"

Don couldn't believe his ears, "Look I understand if you feel detached but it wasn't your fault she didn't want to nurse at first but maybe if..." he said calmly

"Try again?" she said cutting him off, "I'm sick of 'trying again' Don. When I was a kid at the orphanage I would get all excited whenever a couple came but every time it would be "we'll try again next time" or "maybe next time Stella." Now everyday with our jobs we have to 'try again' with the evidence or a suspect, so maybe just maybe I would like to have something go right the first time. Forgive me if 'trying again' puts me down but I don't think wanting something to go right the first time is too much to ask. Do you?" Stella replied venting her frustration before heading past Don toward the front door, picking up her jacket on the way.

"Where are you going?" He asked quietly, almost childlike

"I need to get some air," Stella replied quickly leaving the apartment knowing that if she had to listen to Don's sorrowful voice she would surely burst into tears.

* * *

Detective Mac Taylor was just about to grab a beer and sit down and watch a basketball game but was interrupted when there was a knock at the door. Mac answered the door he got the shock of his life there was Stella stood before him looking pale and as thin as a piece of paper with dark bags under her eyes.

"Stella?" he asked very confused, but his soft, welcoming voice was enough for Stella to burst back into tears.

Mac enveloped Stella into his arms and he whispered soothing words to his best friend. Once she regained her composure Mac escorted Stella into his apartment and onto the couch before handing her a glass of water and sitting down at the other end of the couch. And they sat in silence, allowing Stella to compose her thoughts and feelings and translate them to words, Mac not wanting to make the current situation any worse.

"Mac I'm sorry," she whispered as she wiped the tears from her eyes,

"Hey there is nothing to be sorry for Stel. I'd do anything for you, you know that," Mac whispered as he moved next to Stella, placing an arm around her. "So would you like to tell me what's wrong?"

"I'm scared Mac," she whispered, "That she doesn't want me and that'll hurt her. At the hospital when it was time for her to have her first feed, she just refused to nurse and that put the fear of God in me, it made me question what I was doing wrong"

"If you were doing something wrong I think Don would have noticed, that little girl is the apple of his eye. Everyday he waltzes into the lab and tell us all a new story about something she did or shows us a new picture,"

"I guess but..."

"Stella, you have to trust me when I say this...I know you would never ever hurt Ana. Why can't you see that?" Mac asked placing his hands around Stella's for reassurance.

"I guess it's just the hormones," Stella giggled wiping away the tears with the back of her hand

* * *

Don was anxious worried as to where the love of his life had disappeared to. To stop himself going completely crazy, the blue eyed detective had fed and changed Anastasia before placing her down for the night or at least until three when she would wake for her morning feed.

But then it dawned on him, her behaviour was similar to that of a suspect from a case they had worked on when Stella was three months pregnant and just before she started to show.

It involved the death of a newborn called Tyler from what Don could recall, both he and Mac suspected the mother had shaken the baby to death and at first the evidence backed up their suspicions but Stella was adamant that the mother was innocent and set out to prove it.

As he thought more and more about the mother he realised her behaviour was identical to Stella's now and suddenly guilt washed over him. Like the mother in the case Stella had no-one to turn to for support or help as she was the first of the team to have a baby and she had no parents to guide her. Flack, himself, had been dividing his time between work, his girls and his father who was in hospital and because of this he had missed all the signs.

Taking the baby monitor, Don went to the fridge to grab a beer, however that was the only thing that seemed to be in the fridge and he made a mental note to go grocery shopping in the morning. Once he opened the beer, he took the monitor and went out onto the balcony to calm his thoughts.

* * *

Almost two hours had past since a tearful Stella turned up on his doorstep and nearly fell into his arms. It had only just occurred to him that Flack probably had no idea where his wife had gotten to.

"Flack" Don sounded tired when he answered the phone and knew his worry had caused some of it,

"Hey, I just thought you should know that Stella's with me and safe," Mac whispered down the phone conscious that Stella was now asleep next to him.

"Thank-god," Don said breathing a sigh of relief "How is she?"

"She's asleep at the moment, but she's a state Don," Mac said quietly but Stella heard him and gave him a sharp elbow to the ribs, "Ouch!" causing her to giggle.

"You deserved it," she whispered, "Is that Don?" Mac nodded a pointed to the phone silently asking if she wanted to talk to him at which she shook her head.

"I've gotta go now Don, Stel looks like she might wake up, I'll bring her round when she does," Mac said quickly, hating that he was lying to friend but Stella didn't look ready to face her fiancé.

"Oh, okay see you later," Don said quietly before hanging up.

"I'm sorry," Stella whispered resting her head on Mac's shoulder after he hung up,

"For what?"

"For making you lie to him."

* * *

When Mac eventually dropped Stella off it was past 10 and three hours since she had walked out. Thanking Mac with an invitation to dinner the following night and a peck on the cheek before she entered the dark apartment.

Inside was incredibly quiet, she figured Don must have gotten sick of waiting and gone to bed but as she placed her keys on the kitchen counter she felt a breeze and saw the balcony door open.

"Don?" Stella whispered leaning against the door frame unsure whether to approach the dark haired detective who sat with an empty beer bottle in his hand.

The sound of Ana's breathing transmitted through the baby monitor, reassuring her mother that she was still breathing. As Stella turned to go get Don a blanket to keep him from the chill of the night, he spoke.

"I'm so sorry," the whisper barely audible above the noise of the city, he took another sip of his beer and wished she'd leave him and go to bed but she didn't instead she appeared in front of him looking slightly pissed.

"Don't you ever apologize to me Donald Flack!" Stella said placing her hands on either side of his face forcing him to look at her. "This is not your fault,"

"Maybe if I had just taken the time off like you asked things wouldn't have ended up like...this," he replied, "Maybe I would've seen the signs,"

"Don't Don...just don't. I'm the one who was too bone idol to admit that I needed help,"

Don stared at Stella and for the first time realised how tired and thin she was, immediately blaming himself as he pulled his future wife onto his lap and placed a kiss to her head.

"We're quite a pair," she whispered while burying her face into the crook of his relishing the hope and strength she had gained from the contact, which had been scarce since Ana had been born and she had become depressed.

Lazily her hand rested on his cheek, her thumb gently stroking the soft skin. The motion was slowly sending Don to some much needed sleep and helping to free the weight he seemed to be carry on his shoulders.

"I love you. We'll..." he whispered but Stella gently placed a finger on his soft lips, silencing him.

"Don't speak, that's what tomorrow is for," she breathed before closing her eyes.

_Fini_

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please read and review.


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